the art of conversation

© Ron Hendricks. Used with permission.

Kathy Hendricks

“We need to have a conversation about…” I wonder how many times I have heard this line in conjunction with non-conversational topics. Subjects like race, immigration, and politics– all of which are verbal tinderboxes in these highly divisive times. We do indeed need to converse with one another about these and other concerns, but the predominance of media-driven echo chambers makes true conversation all but impossible.

What does it mean to have a conversation? Google the term “the art of conversation” and over 3 billion results appear in less than two minutes. Books, videos, articles, and talking tips all offer the same basic advice: open up, listen, find common ground. I followed the threads to a TED talk given by Elizabeth Lesser, co-founder of the Omega Institute, an adult education center focused on health, wellness, spirituality, and creativity. She describes the tension between the grit of the warrior and the grace in the mystic. One stands strong for a cause or issue while the other holds the tendency towards self-righteousness in check. Lesser notes how the mystic in her has made her a proud “I-don’t-know-it-all.”

As we launch our blog adventure, Barbara and I agreed that a first post should be about the art of conversation. As the overall purpose for our blog states, we began our friendship with conversations conducted through email and seasonal phone calls. Without establishing any groundrules we employed conversational techniques through simple practice. When I consider conversation as an art I see Barbara as the equivalent of a Dutch master. She was doing what Elizabeth Lesser advised long before the latter’s TED talk. I have long marveled at Barbara’s ability to take on another perspective, to truly listen to the meta-message – the meaning underlying the words – and to be curious enough about another person’s stance to ask honest questions and then wait for a response. I wish I could say I have followed her lead, but I must confess to giving into the warrior side of my nature far more often than the mystic’s. Even so, we are, as the name of this site says, “still blooming” and so I hope to discover a new avenue for sharing ideas and respecting each other’s viewpoints through artful conversation. I hope you, dear reader, will join in that effort.

A Response from Barbara Radtke

Thanks, Kathy, for the confidence and trust you have in me as a conversation partner. I certainly have that confidence and trust in you. The mutuality of it has fueled our conversations all these years. Perhaps you, dear reader, have a conversation partner with whom you sense this kind of mutuality. What makes that person such a good partner? What aspects of the art of conversation do you practice often? With what aspect would you like more experience? We would love to hear from you.

If I were going to lift up one successful approach in being a good conversation partner, it would be to listen so that I can understand. There is a whole-heartedness about such listening because not one shred of self is held back preparing one’s defense or attack.

Elizabeth Lesser’s suggestion of “inviting the other to lunch” carries the caution that such engagement with the other is both slow and difficult. I would add that it is rewarding beyond measure but far less glamorous than we might think. In the end, being a bridge builder or a peace maker is an ordinary, but sometimes forgotten, dimension of living with others and weaving the fabric of a healthy society. That is why we feel we need to revive the art of conversation.